Guide to Masturbation

Masturbation is a wonderful way to receive sexual pleasure or release sexual energy or tension. You can do it anytime and anywhere. It’s all about you, so you’ll never be turned down! It’s a very natural activity that we all have a right, as human beings, to do.

Screw Popular Belief

It’s unfortunate that the popular belief about masturbation is still that it’s an immature activity or a second rate substitute for partner sex. It’s also unfortunate that as a society, we are encouraged not to talk about it. When we were babies and we touched our genitals what happened? Our parents yelled to us, “Don’t do that!” and the first time we tried masturbating, we had to do it totally on the sly, because it felt so good, but was so wrong to do.

If only parents could speak more openly about masturbation, stressing that it isn’t wrong, but that it’s something that one should do. So now we all grow up to believe that it’s this taboo thing that only losers and freaks partake in, resulting in depriving ourselves of what could be great pleasure and satisfaction in life. And I hope that after reading this, you’ll also believe that those theories and beliefs are nothing but pure crap!

Masturbation is good for many reasons:

We learn what type of stimulation feels good.

This is important information to know when engaging in sexual play with a partner. If you don’t know anything about how and where you like to be touched, how will you be able to communicate that to your partner?  If you don’t have any idea, how are they supposed to know?

There’s enough anxiety and stress involved when with a lover, you should be able to adequately communicate this to your partner and vise versa so that everyone can benefit from the experience. You’ll get great sexual pleasure from your lover and your lover will take comfort in knowing that he/she is doing what you like and you’ll be well satisfied by him/her.

It can last as long as you’d like.

You can tease yourself for hours before climaxing, you can set up a whole scene to make it cozy and sexy or you can do it and get it done in just a few minutes and move on with your day.

Masturbation is a form of sex.

You don’t have to be with a partner just to have sex. Anything that gives you sexual pleasure is sex. Don’t allow all the negative talk of masturbation turn you away.

There are health benefits.

It relieves stress, tension and sometimes menstrual cramps, releases endorphins, fights yeast infections by increasing blood flow to the pelvis, exercises and flushes the prostate gland, strengthens pelvic muscles, gives you sexual self confidence which boosts your self esteem and allows you to remain sexually active throughout your entire life.  Masturbation is also a great way for pregnant women and people with physical limitations to enjoy sex if they don’t have a partner or feel comfortable having sex with a partner.

If you’ve never had an orgasm before, regular masturbation can help.

The idea is to touch yourself in various ways, varying the degree of intensity, firmness or speed to see what feels really good and to keep doing that until you reach orgasm. Feel free to get a toy or two involved if you have them. Now you may not reach orgasm the first time around, but you know the old saying, practice makes perfect. 

Again, if you don’t know what gets you off, how will a partner? Plus, by being on your own, there’s no worrying about if your partner is getting upset because he/she can’t make you cum and there’s no reason to fake it to make your partner feel better, it’s just you. This is the time to just be yourself and not have to worry if it not feeling good or pleasurable will be a problem. It’s no stress sex.

It’s the safest sex next to abstinence.

It’s way more fun too. You don’t have to worry about catching any STD’s or getting pregnant because it’s your own bodily fluids, so use as many toys and fingers as you’d like and go back and forth among them all.

So see, there’s no reason not to masturbate. In fact a study by the Kinsey Institute on masturbation revealed that 94% of men masturbate and 74% of women masturbate. So if you’re not in that statistic, you’re missing out.

We had some truths, now let’s bust some myths

Myth 1: It’s addictive.

There are a lot of things we do in life that we love to do and love to do often and if it’s not stopping you from taking care of the things you need to in your life, then it’s not a problem. If it feels good and it makes you happy, calm, centered or satisfied with yourself or your life then do it. The pros certainly outweigh the cons.

Myth 2: It’s wrong to receive such pleasure from yourself.

I’ve known people personally that think this and it’s so unfortunate and absolutely false. Everyone deserves to have pleasure in life, especially sexual pleasure. How is masturbating on your own different than if you were alone drawing or painting? Those activities bring the artists great pleasure, but no one attacks them for it. So it’s not wrong to indulge. It doesn’t mean you won’t want your partner anymore and it definitely doesn’t necessarily mean that someone’s partner isn’t pleasing them properly, which brings me to the next…

Myth 3: You won’t want to have sex with your partner.

It’s not an either or kind of thing. You may love to masturbate, but there’s nothing like sharing your love and your body with another human being. When you masturbate, it’s just you, but getting that touch and response and connection with another person is no comparison. They’re both wonderful on their own. Get the best of both worlds, don’t choose!

In fact, there have been numerous studies done over the years that prove regular masturbation actually results in a person having or at least wanting to have more sex with their partners because they generally feel more sexual. The more sexual you feel, the more you’ll want to have sex with that special someone.

Myth 4: It’s dangerous.

No, no, no. Just use common sense. Don’t do anything that may harm you. YouTube is full of dumbasses that just want attention. If it’s dangerous to do, as with anything dangerous, don’t do it.

Some have gone so far as to claim dangers if you have heart disease; the Journal of American Medical Association reports that men have more of a chance of having a heart attack after waking up, exerting themselves or getting angry. However, after sex it’s very unlikely. If you can go for walks and exercise, you can masturbate.

So that’s it! I hope that I’ve convinced you to at least consider giving it a try if you haven’t yet indulged. Now, if you want to try and don’t know where to begin, then keep reading because the juicy tips are just below.

Masturbation Tips for Men

All you need is a few extra minutes or hours, depending how long you want to spend and the right mood, some porn or magazines, a fantasy of something or someone you’d like to be with or a past event that really gets you hot. There are no rules to follow, but for those of you who wonder what can be done, here are some ideas.

Stroking is the most popular way to stimulate the penis.

First, make sure your hands are well lubed, artificial lube or a good amount of saliva will do fine. Grab the penis and stroke up and down. It’s best to start with a gentler slower stroking than a firm, fast stroke. Vary the pressure of your grip to find out what feels the best, what you respond to and what feels the best at different levels of your arousal/excitement.

Some men enjoy a very firm, even tight grip and others like it gentle and soft. Some men like it fast and others like it slow and steady. You can stroke the whole penis from top to bottom, just the shaft or caress the head of the penis. The head is the most sensitive part, so when some men get close to orgasm or is in the process of cumming the head of the penis gets too sensitive to touch directly. So make sure you vary what you do at that time to see what works best for you or maybe you’ll enjoy all those versions.


There are many different toys that are specifically made to feel as close to a real vagina, ass or mouth as you can get. Molded vaginas, anuses and mouths are usually made from latex, cyber skin, jelly rubber or silicone. Some of them even vibrate or have suction for added stimulation. You can even buy breasts and feet that look quite realistic. Basically, you prop up the toy up somewhere and fuck it, like you would a person.

There are toys like the Tenga Egg,  Fleshlight and the palm baller ( our favorite affordable,  durable and discreet male toy) that basically enhance stroking. Basically you stroke your penis with that instead of your band hand.

If you really like suction then you’ll want to try a penis pump. Most of them look like little machines. Penis pumps basically create a vacuum around the penis, pulling in blood to temporarily enlarge it. Although, do be careful with these and follow the instructions. Pumping too long can cause problems.

Masturbation Tips for Women

As I have said before, there is no right or wrong way to do it. As long as it feels good and you aren’t going to harm yourself, it’s okay. Pleasure is the goal and however you get there is perfect.

First, set up a comfortable environment for yourself. If you’re going to use toys, get them and your lube out and near the play area. I love to read erotica, short dirty stories are best. They have a little bit of a plot and get to the sex quickly and there are so many details describing the sex that I can easily picture it in my mind and feel it happening to my body. At this point, I’m ready to pleasure myself. These stories easily bring me into the world of fantasy and make me forget about everything around me. I would have to say that I’ve really enjoyed books edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel.

I also enjoy watching porn. It allows both my hands to be free to wander. Some movies have a heavier storyline that sucks me into the fantasy world and makes the sex scenes that much better. I also enjoy hearing the sound of sex, the actors and actresses moaning and talking dirty.

If you’re ability to visualize past sexual encounters, is strong, you may just want to turn on some music that will help frame that memory and get your body tingling. While I have some great memories to pull from, my ability to vividly visualize them for masturbation isn’t that strong which is why I look to books and porn to shut out the world for a brief period of time. But again, there is no right way, whatever gets you in the mood.

Here are some different areas to stimulate when masturbating.

Clitoral Stimulation

Did you know that the clitoris is the only organ on our bodies that is purely for sexual pleasure? It is THE spot. The reason why so many women are unable to orgasm is because they don’t receive enough or they don’t receive any clitoral stimulation. There are also many women whose clitoris you can’t touch or go near until she is well aroused because it’s just too sensitive. Then are others that find any kind of touch there irritating. However, if you’re like most women, you’ll want to explore this area of your body and there are oh-so-many wonderful ways to do it.


The best way to start is use your fingers to rub, stroke or pinch the actual clitoris. You can also rub the entire area around the clitoris. One good move that I like to do is to grab the skin around the clit and gently and slowly rub it together. The clit is kind of like a small penis, so you can grab it and stroke it, just like you would a penis. Just make sure your fingers are well lubricated, artificial lube or saliva is fine, because touching your genitals in any way without enough lube causes your skin to get raw quickly and it’s not fun or pleasurable.


Your shower massager head, the one where you can adjust the stream of water from a steady, gentle stream and to a more powerful jet spray can be quite exciting too. You can aim it directly at your clit or just above, move it around, allow yourself to play and experiment. If you’re in the tub don’t be afraid to slide down and get your naughty bits under the running faucet, which can be really fun too!


Now if you find that those types of touches are enjoyable, but just don’t bring you over the edge, then you may want to try a vibrator. I love them! I would have to say a majority of my sexual encounters and masturbation sessions involve a vibrator of some kind. I love to use my fingers to rub my clit, but as I get more excited, I usually need a little more to reach orgasm. Vibrators provide a more intense kind of stimulation that my hands can’t create at that crucial point. Plus, sometimes my hands get tired and holding a vibrator up against my clit makes life much easier.

My absolute favorite toy, the one I try not to leave home without, has been the Hitachi Magic Wand. Recently I have fallen totally in love with the The Form 2. However, if you’re new to using toys, those are really pricey to just try things out. Good vibrators for beginners are an egg vibrator, like this one, a mini massager like this, or a traditional one like this. The egg and the traditional will give you more range in the vibrations than the mini massager, which is usually just on and off, so you can see how much or how little you enjoy. See my How to Choose the Perfect Vibrator Article to learn how to find the best vibe for you. So how do you use these lovely items?

Well, holding a vibrator directly against your clit is the way to feel the maximum amount of vibrations. However, some ladies’ clits can be extremely sensitive to that and if you find doing that makes you jump out of your skin, you can also hold the vibrator against the surrounding area, just above your clit, your vulva, on your pubic bone. Vibrating any part of that area will send vibrations to the clit because it’s all so close together, but the vibrations will be less intense and maybe more enjoyable.

Over the years, I have also found that the lower point of the vaginal opening is very sensitive to vibrations as well and holding a vibrator against that spot is really very pleasurable. If the vibrations are still too strong, even after lowering the intensity, just put a towel or washcloth between you and the vibrator/massager and that will further lessen the intensity. I have also, at times, put my index finger on my clit and held the vibrator on my finger which seems to subdue the vibrations nicely.

G-Spot Stimulation


To start, it’s best to use your own hands/fingers to find your g-spot. If you insert your middle or index finger and do a come hither motion, that should allow you to find it. Some women like to tap at that spot, others like more pressure applied and still others really like to push on it. Try doing it slowly then quickly and see what feels best, again, there is no right way. My article on the g-spot should provide more detailed information.


There are also many toys out there that are specifically designed to locate and stimulate the g-spot. However, there are also a lot of products that claim to do it and don’t, so it’s a tricky thing. I have found it’s best to look for vibrators with a significant curve and larger surface area at the tip to make contact with the g-spot, something like this from Lelo. Now, that’s not the most affordable vibrator, so something like this one will work too

Both are made of silicone which means it’s safe for use in your body and very easy to totally clean and sanitize. They both have some power and are designed to actually hit and stimulate the g-spot.  Although, if you can locate your g-spot and can manipulate it and stimulate it with your fingers to your pleasure, then all the better.  Many women find it easier to use some kind of toy.

Vaginal Stimulation

You already know that you can hold a vibrator against your vaginal hole or just at the area between your vagina and anus. However, many women not only like to be penetrated, but need it.


Again, don’t be afraid to start with the toys that you were born with, your hands and fingers. Get yourself well lubed up and start rubbing your vaginal lips, side to side, up and down. The vaginal lips are very sensitive to touch, so it’s not just about penetration, rubbing can feel really good too. As you get more aroused, then slowly insert a finger, move it around in there, see what parts feel good when you rub them or poke at them. If you don’t really feel anything with one finger, try adding another and another, until you get that feeling of fulfillment that rocks your world.

And don’t be afraid to get both hands involved. Try using one hand to rub on or around your clit while you use your other hand to finger yourself. You may find that having both things happening at the same time is just divine. You may find that as you get more excited, you don’t need to rub your clit and just fingering yourself is enough. You may also find that you’re too sensitive to rub your clit at the start and as you get more aroused, you can rub your clit.


There are what seems to be a massive amount of dildos and vibrating dildos on the market. These are great for the times when you don’t want anything fancy, but still want some pleasure. These dildos come with no fancy attachments; it’s just a dildo to penetrate yourself with. They come in versions that look like replicas of penises and styles that don’t appear sexual at all. So whatever floats your boat here is what will work. For beginners, I recommend something like this. It’s not going to break the bank. It looks like a penis, but it’s purple so it’s not too realistic, but realistic enough. Since it’s veiny like a penis, you have some additional texture to play with. The girth is not too thick, yet not too slim and the length is more middle of the road, so you can insert just the tip or almost the whole thing or somewhere in-between.

You can also treat to yourself to one of those multi-stimulation dildo/vibrators like the famous Jack Rabbits that provide simultaneous vaginal penetration, clitoral stimulation and some g-spot stimulation all in one toy and at the same time! Many women swear by these kinds of vibrators because they give a woman just about all the stimulation she can handle during masturbation. Just lube up the shaft, penetrate yourself with it, make sure the clit stimulator is against your clit, turn it on and prepare for what can be a wild ride.

For Both Men & Women:


Let’s not forget about them. Touching, rubbing, squeezing and even attaching nipple clamps can be very exciting. The ones I’ve linked to are the best kind because you can control how tight the clamp gets. It’s also a good idea to clamp just behind the nipple, instead of the actual nipple itself, especially if you’re going to have them on for a long time. The breasts are a wonderful erogenous zone that should not be ignored during any type of sex play. For some, it’s quite a hot button.


The anus is a very sensitive area of the body, so many wonderful nerve endings that when given a little bit attention, can bring you to an amazing place. Men, this is one way to stimulate the prostate. It’s always extremely important to use a lot of lube for any kind of anal play. The rectum doesn’t self-lubricate like the vagina or penis, so you want to make sure things slip and slide with ease as to not cause any discomfort.


You can explore the area with your fingers by just rubbing or tickling. You can also slowly insert a finger and just keep it there. You don’t have do anything else because that feeling of having something in there may be all the extra you need. You can also try slowly inserting your finger and slowly pulling it out. Again, play with speed here, do you prefer it slow and steady or fast and intense. Is one finger not enough? Then slowly insert another one, just always make sure you are well lubricated, if things aren’t sliding in and out with ease, add more lube. You’ll also want to make sure your fingernails don’t have any rough edges, so you don’t cut or scrape yourself. If you’re not sure try a finger cot or latex or vinyl glove.


A toy can make things much easier when you’re masturbating. You can also hold a vibrator against your anus or use a butt plug. Butt plugs are available with vibrations or without. I have found they are great toys if you’re just looking for that feeling of fulfillment, but don’t necessarily care for something thrusting in and out. I recommend starting with something that’s not too big, something like this from Tantus should do the trick. I’m not one that can stick a big, bulbous butt plug in my precious bottom with ease.

I have found that something with a slim tip that slowly expands allows for easy and comfortable insertion. It’s not too much too soon, which is where other plugs fail miserably with me.Plus an anal toy made out of silicone is best because it’s non-porous, making it super easy to clean and sanitize. Be careful of the jelly stuff, that stuff is porous and can’t be completely cleaned and when it comes to sticking things in your butt, you want them to be really clean upon each use. This would be the place to spend a little money on a toy.

There are also anal beads that add a different sensation. This toy is made of many little balls or ribs in which you stick each ball, bubble or rib in your ass one at a time. Some start small and gradually get larger; others are all the same size. It all depends on how big you want to the toy to be. Many people lube them up, stick them in one at a time, leave them in, pleasure themselves in some other way and then pull them out just before, during or after they cum. Others put them in slowly, one at a time and then slowly pull them out and then repeat the whole process again. And others mix it the two versions up. To learn more about anal beads, you’ll want to check out my article here.

Just make sure that whenever you insert a toy, finger, etc. into your anus that you have plenty of lubrication and make sure whatever toy you use has a flared base or some kind of handle that’s securely attached at the end to easily pull it out of you.

Important tips for both men and women

  • Never insert your penis into anything you may not get it out of.
  • Never insert anything into the ass or vagina that could break or that you may not get out.
  • Although it’s fun to masturbate in the shower, soap is not a very good lubricant. With men, it could get into your urethral track and cause pain and/or irritation and with women, the same, but it’s also not healthy to get that in your vagina, it could burn and it could disrupt the ph balance in your vagina resulting in an infection. So use artificial lube or saliva.
  • Always use a good amount of lubrication, because genitals that are rubbed raw can be extremely painful. Especially when using toys, most of these products need a lot of lubrication in order to get the best sensation from them.

Well now that you know how to take care of yourselves, let’s kick it up a notch and talk about masturbating with your partner and/or lover. 

Mutual Masturbation

Mutual masturbation is seen as a pretty taboo act to engage in with someone else, since generally masturbation is seen as a bad thing to do. If you masturbate with someone else, it would be admitting that you do it and what does that mean? Plus, if you do touch yourself while you’re having sex with your lover, does that mean your lover isn’t satisfying you?


Mutual masturbation can be an incredibly exciting sexual encounter between two, or even more, people. Sharing this with your partner can be a great way for you to both learn how you each like to be touched and stimulated.

The Show

It can also be very visually exciting to watch your lover experience genuine pleasure. Many times it’s hard to pay attention to your lover’s reactions to the things you’re doing because you’re busy doing and concentrating on doing those things. However, when you can just sit back and watch your lover get aroused, excited and then cum…Wow, that’s really hot! All those little moments you may have missed and now you don’t have to. We don’t always look silly or ridiculous when we cum or when we get excited. It’s actually really hot to watch and hear all the subtle changes in your lover’s moans and breathing. Everyone is a bit of a voyeur to some extent so to be able to peek in and see something not everyone else does without being called a creep or a perv is awesome.

Also, everyone likes to be admired, adored and lusted after. So this is a time to put on a show for each other. There’s no better way to feel sexy than pleasing yourself in front of your partner. Make a whole show of it too, get all dressed up and strip for your lover, then get down and dirty with yourself. Be that sexy stripper that can take it all the way. Be honest with your excitement, if what you’re doing feels really good, let him/her know. Genuine excitement can be the ultimate turn on. It’s like he’s in a strip club, he can only watch and not touch. Tie him up, have him sit in a closet and peek out at you through a small crack in the door. Pretend that he’s not there and go to town on yourself. These same scenarios work in with him being the exhibitionist too. Watch your man, peek in on him. Have him tie you up so as much as you want to jump his bones you can’t and then if  he decides to bring himself to orgasm that’s fine or let that be the appetizer for some wild intercourse.


If you can’t have intercourse or shouldn’t be having intercourse, this is a very exciting form of safe sex. There really isn’t any exchange in dangerous bodily fluids, unless you’re sharing toys and if you are, make sure that a new barrier, like a condom, is put on from one person’s use to the next. You don’t have to worry about what to do, because you’re partner is doing what he/she likes, so sit back and enjoy or watch and touch yourself too. Hubby and I have had many nights over the years in which we only masturbated while watching each other and we’ve considering those to be some hot nights of sex.

A higher level of intimacy can be formed when a couple masturbates together and really enjoys watching each other. Not worrying about if what you’re doing to your partner is right or good, but just being able to see them enjoy the pleasure that they’re giving to themselves. So please don’t keep it hidden away as a private activity, share it with the one you love or lust for.

See Also:

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My name is Ann Andriani. Since 1999, I've helped millions of folks sort through their questions and curiosities about sex. I hope that you enjoy your stay with me and benefit from my thoughts and sex advice.