Learn to Talk Dirty… Adding dirty talk to your lovemaking

Talking dirty can be a very invigorating experience for you and your partner! Being able to express all those naughty thoughts and verbalizing the sexual pleasures you are experiencing and telling your partner all the naughty things that you want to do to him or her can be very freeing for those who allow themselves to do it.

The problem usually lies in just that, allowing yourself to do it. Many people experience difficulty talking dirty because: they’re too shy, afraid of being embarrassed from what they try to say or afraid of a negative reaction from their partner, be it anger, shock or by their partner feeling threatened by it. But it doesn’t have to be that way, below we have some examples of dirty bedroom talk to make get you sounding like a pro!

A close friend of mine was never able to provide dirty talk during sex, but she, like many others out there have felt suffocated because she has been afraid of sounding stupid. Well, enough is enough, sex is supposed to be fun, adult play. After receiving numerous emails about this topic and hearing about my friend’s difficulty, I have decided to go on a hunt to find the necessary resources to give all of you the courage you need to just let yourselves go and express all your dirty thoughts to your lover.

Now, the first thing I learned is that not everyone has to be a phone sex worker to talk dirty. Just allowing yourself to reassure your partner that what he/she is doing to you feels good is all you need to get started. Are you afraid that you don’t have the vocabulary for it? Well, don’t be embarrassed, that’s usually where the problem starts. If you don’t have a foundation of dirty words to use, then how can you be confident in what you’re going to say? There’s lots of resources out there.

My personal favorite is xxx adult movies. They are loaded with dirty and sometimes even filthy bedroom talk that can provide you with a entirely new vocabulary. They’re also good for hearing how the dirty talk can be delivered. Is the star’s voice husky? Is he/she whispering it? Are they yelling it? Moaning it? Almost growling while saying it? And what better way to learn than while being aroused.

UPDATE: Some stars that I have found to be especially naughty with the filthy talk are: Jenna Haze, Jesse Jane and my all time favorite, Tabitha Stevens. Another star I highly recommend for great communication with partner(s) during sex that’s not necessarily filthy or dirty, but playful and sexy is Nina Hartley. Many of her how to titles features this type of talk, especially her Guide To The Perfect Orgy, she really gets talking with lots of different people during sex, men, women, couples.  I’ve incorporated her style of talking into my sex life with my husband and playmates and it works out really well, in fact, it sets a sex positive atmosphere and is really encouraging to all involved.

Don’t want to watch xxx adult movies? Then how about an erotic or smutty novel, book or magazine. I have found a lot of useful dirty talk in Miranda Austin’s “Phone Sex: Aural Thrills and Oral Skills” However, any erotic or x-rated book or magazine will provide you with some choice words to build your vocabulary too.

If that still does not interest you than I found 2 other wonderful resources that are geared specifically toward people that want to stop staying quiet and start talking dirty: “Talk Sexy to the One You Love” by Barbara Keesling, PhD and “The Fine Art of Erotic Talk” by Bonnie Gabriel.

“Talk Sexy to the One You Love” by Barbara Keesling

This is the book to read if…

1) you are a woman that wants to talk dirty to your man.

2) you are a woman who has been in a monogamous relationship
with a man for an extended period of time.

3) you really want to put the effort into learning how to add
dirty bedroom talk to your lovemaking.

This is a wonderfully encouraging book filled with passages and exercises to get one thinking about talking sexy. Like I said earlier, you have to have a naughty vocabulary to pull from if you’re going to say naughty things. And that’s exactly what Dr. Keesling does, she helps you to build a naughty vocabulary, all by yourself. Which is why I said you have to want to put the effort towards doing it.

She only spoons feeds you some things, but all in all she does help you put into words what you’re feeling. By you finding the words for yourself, you are ultimately comfortable in saying them to your lover. And that’s what this is all about. She even helps you put into words your fantasies and desires, so you can tell your lover without stirring up any trouble, the way just blurting things out can do.

The book is split up into three sections. Section 1 is mostly solo work, a lot of thinking, writing and speaking alone on your part. This makes a lot of sense to me because if you don’t feel comfortable saying these things out loud, when you’re alone in your bedroom, house, car, etc., than you won’t be comfortable saying these things to your lover. You’re asked to keep a notebook, to record your new vocabulary.

For instance, your asked to come up with as many naughty ways to say, “penis, vagina, buttocks, testicles, pubic hair, breasts, nipples, anus and many more.” Here’s one of the solo exercises that help you to put these naughty words into feelings:

“Question 3: What sexy words and phrases do you wish you could say out loud?”

“Question 4: How would you say these words and phrases? Would you be forceful, playful, gentle, pleading, demanding, screaming?

When would you say them? Over the phone, when your cuddling, during a romantic moment, in the shower or tub, before bed, before you undress, while you undress, in bed, during foreplay, during oral sex, during intercourse?”

“Question 7: If you had the courage to ask your partner for anything in bed, what would you ask for? How would you ask-what words would you use?”

“Question 10: When you think of your partner’s body, what turns you on? Describe it in detail.”

So, it really gets you thinking about what’s going on in your mind, which is what’s most important. My favorite part is Chapter 12 “Kiss My What?” She sets up the exercises here like the Mad-Libs pads that kids play with, containing sentences in which you have to fill in the blank with a noun, verb, adjective, or adverb. She puts together a bunch of these “Bad-Libs” so that you can use your new found naughty words in actual sentences. For example: “Your (noun) makes me so (adjective).” and “I love the way your (adjective) (noun) feels against my (adjective) (noun).” So you build on what you learn. At the end of the chapter, she has you filling in the blanks for whole fantasies.

Section 2 of the book includes exercises that you conduct with your partner using the vocabulary, ideas and fantasies that you worked on in the first section.

This is done to ease your partner into this new change, because as Dr. Keesling expresses in Chapter 2, “When it comes to issues about our sexuality, we are all fragile creatures. Anything too new or too different – like having a partner suddenly start talking sexy for the first time – can feel scary, threatening, intimidating or confusing to someone who has not been adequately prepared for such change. Something like this could make your partner feel very insecure or left out. It could even make him feel suspicious or angry.” Which is where section 3 comes in.

Section 3 is written for the male partner to read, to help him understand the journey the two of you are about to embark on and what a wonderful change it can be for the two of you.

By building you and your partner’s comfort level together in Section 2, you can both easily say what you feel, expanding your sexual experience. These exercises will also help you and your partner to get to know one another again. Sometimes, when two people have been together for a long time, you start to take for granted what you know, or what you think you know about your partner. By allowing yourselves to talk and fantasize with each other, you will learn all the new things that evolve as you both grow and change. All the exercises with your partner start out slow and build on each other. There are also suggestions to turn the tables and get your partner to start talking, if he doesn’t already. Here’s a sample exercise:

“Sweet Nothings – This exercise begins with your partner lying in bed, face down. You should be sitting or lying on your side, very close to him. Your partner has the option of being completely clothed, completely undressed or anything in between, and so do you. Think about all of those sexy words and sentences you’ve been aching to say to this man. If you need to refresh your memory, check your notebook before you start. Using your index finger like a pencil, write one of your favorite words, letter-by-letter, on your partner’s back. When you have finished spelling it out, lean over and whisper it into his ear. Proceed in this fashion through at least a dozen words.” And she has you try some of your bad-libs too. So it starts out slow, but the exercises can be exciting as long as you set up a sexy environment.

The reading of it goes very quickly because it’s written as if Dr. Keesling is speaking directly to you. So the most time consuming parts is your coming up with the vocabulary and your analyzing of yourself and your partner. And like I said earlier, if you draw a blank, try a movie, book or magazine. It really does help.

All in all, this is a wonderful book to get you talking dirty. But it will only work for those women who really want to work at it. It’s not something you can read through and do overnight. It takes some time, but once you’ve done the work, it should last you a lifetime, bringing you and your partner to new heights of passion. Highly Recommended!

“The Fine Art of Erotic Talk” by Bonnie Gabriel

This book is for…

1) anybody, male or female, who wants to dirty bedroom talk to their lovemaking.

2) anybody who is or is not in a monogamous relationship and wants to talk sexy.

3) anybody who’s looking to not only talk sexy themselves, but maybe help new, silent lovers express how they feel too.

“The Fine Art of Erotic Talk” is great for anyone who wants to talk dirty. And it has so much more than that. Do you want some tips on flirting, meeting new people, dating, having sex with a new lover for the first time? In Chapter 3 Bonnie presents some great suggestions for making your first time with a new lover be more comfortable.

For example:

“If you wish, you can introduce your exploration of your partner’s sexual responses with something like, I want to get to know every inch of you….which parts of your body are most easily aroused; how soft or hard do you like to be touched; how slowly or quickly do you enjoyed being stroked, do you find it more exciting if I used my hand or my tongue in a particular spot; what feels better, this…..or this?”

In your lover’s responses alone, you’ll be getting him/her to talk dirty.

Chapter 5,

She explains to you how to talk about safe sex issues in a manner that allows you to keep a sexual bond, instead of putting up a wall or obstacle. For example: Instead of saying, “I’m not going any further until you put on a condom,” try saying, “I know I’d be able to let go so much more if we used protection.”

Talking to your lover about your fantasies can also be difficult, but Bonnie shows you how to make that open forum and how it can actually be a very exciting experience for you. Bonnie’s method is to list the 20 most common sexual fantasies on two separate 3″x5″ index cards: “Having sex in a public place. Having sex with more than one or a multitude of partners. Having sex in a place in which there is a risk of getting caught. Being sexually taken, possessed or dominated. Having sex with a priest, nun, or some other forbidden or inappropriate partner.” and the list goes on. You each take an index card and place it in separate piles of things that turn you on, off, what you want to share with your partner, etc. You each view the cards and get a general idea of what the other wants to really try and what is just pure fantasy. Because as we know, not every single fantasy has to be acted upon, because sometimes when they’re acted out, they’re just not as fulfilling as you thought it would be.

And in Bonnie’s last chapter, she explains how important it is for positive feedback with a new lover as keep that lover coming back for more. “The period right after orgasm is a very special time, when genuine words of love and appreciation can be most easily absorbed and assimilated.” So try saying something like, “Mmmmmm, that was wonderful” or “I’m so lucky to have you as a lover.” And for those of you who are in a committed relationship, Bonnie gives you some ideas to keep that spark alive: “Write sexy, romantic or comforting letters. And give specific instructions on how and when to read the letter and what to be doing while reading it.”

All in all, this book is wonderfully rewarding to anyone that reads it. It can help readers enrich their sexual being as a whole. It will help those that want to add dirty bedroom talk in and out of the bedroom, people in monogamous relationships and those who have multiple lovers. This is one book that should not be left unread.

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My name is Ann Andriani. Since 1999, I've helped millions of folks sort through their questions and curiosities about sex. I hope that you enjoy your stay with me and benefit from my thoughts and sex advice.