Kinda Kinky Bedroom Bondage for Couples

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Your lover has confessed that he/she wants to get involved in light bondage; or maybe you’re having secret thoughts about incorporating some type of bondage play into your love making. No matter what your situation, the stumbling block is that you don’t know where to begin. As with many other sexual activities, there are many different levels of bondage play. You don’t have to go all the way with it. In fact as a beginner, you shouldn’t. Since I’ve received lots of questions about light bondage for couples over at Allsexadvice.com, I’ve decided to write this article as a brief introduction of what a little bedroom bondage has to offer. So let’s get rollin’.

Bondage can be an extremely sensual and loving act between two people. Believe it or not, bondage is actually fun! If it’s not, then you shouldn’t be indulging. Bondage play can appear to be humiliating and/or violent, especially the way Hollywood exploits it, but it actually takes very loving, caring and sensitive people to participate in this type of play. People involved in BDSM truly, genuinely care about their partner’s pleasure and well-being. Couples that practice BDSM are usually more honest with each other and more trusting of one another…more so than in the average relationship. Sex is one of the most difficult topics for a couple to discuss, but not for a couple involved in bedroom bondage because of the amount of open and honest communication they must have in order to play safely and effectively. Even the scariest, and what may appear to be the most brutal, and humiliating scenes are planned out detail by detail from the get go.

Think about this You’ve totally surrendered your body to your lover by being restrained and maybe even blindfolded. The trust you have in your partner and the trust your partner knows you have in him/her is an absolute turn on all by itself. You know your partner will give you absolute pleasure and your partner knows that he/she has been given this power. It’s very erotic. And that’s just touching the surface.

So you or your partner, or both hopefully, want to explore a little bedroom bondage, but you don’t really know where to begin. Let’s explore some scenarios. Just so everyone understands the vocabulary, a dominant is the person that has been given the power and is the one in control. The submissive is the bottom or the one that has given him/her self to the dominant.

Restraint Only

Most people have tied their partner up in one way or another and have sexually pleasured them. No spanking, whipping, paddling or flogging is involved. Restraint without pain is a mild form of bondage play. Many couples have started using no restraining devices whatsoever. All the submissive has to do is put their hands in whatever position is decided upon…usually a position that simulates being cuffed and they have to promise to not move…to NOT use their hands. This is a great way to establish trust. Once one partner is restrained or is simulating it, the other pleasures them with oral sex, manual stimulation and even intercourse. If you’d like to dive right into handcuffs, my recommendation would not be the metal ones at all, but a much safer restraining device like the cuffs that come with the Sex and Mischief 5 Piece Restraint Set (IntimateSource). They are very comfortable to wear and have snap closures for fast and easy restraint and release. If you’re looking for something more 50 Shades of Grey style, I’d recommend the 4 sashes that come in the Sex & Mischief Flirt Kit. (SexToyFun)

Restrained and Teased

In some types of play, the submissive is restrained and teased with different types of stimulation and is unable to orgasm until the dominant allows it. This type of play can be

A LOT of fun! This type of play can include spanking and whipping or just providing different types of sensational stimulation on your lover’s skin and genitals. A great way to start out is to restrain your partner and obtain different articles that you can touch and massage your lover with. (Of course obtain these items before restraining your lover because we never restrain our lovers and leave them unattended.) 

Just the simple fact that your lover can’t move will heighten his/her sense of touch. In the past I’ve used the following items: feather dusters, feather ticklers, ice cubes, warming lotion, a comb, a brush, a fur massage mitt, a vibrator, a massage ball, a paintbrush, a cd and a leather belt…to name a few. Feel free to find items around your house, just make sure that whatever you use is not going injure your partner.always use caution and commonsense.

Restraint Plus Sensory Deprivation

This consists of not only restraining the submissive, but depriving him/her of one of the other senses. The most popular sensory deprivation device for beginners is to use a blindfold. Did you know that when you blindfold someone their sense of touch becomes heightened? If you combine that with a little restraint, the anticipation of where you’re going to touch him/her next is enough to get your partner totally turned on. And then when you do touch your lover, he/she is going to go through the roof! It’s wonderful! Read my in depth review of Midori’s Guide to Sensual Bondage DVD or watch online now. ($1.98 rental)

Important Note: Never partake in any kind of bondage play with someone you don’t know well,  don’t completely trust or with someone you have not discussed your expectations and  boundaries with first. Also, never do this if you or your partner have had too much alcohol, it dulls the senses and causes us to make very poor decisions. Finally, never surrender yourself in this situation, unless you can release yourself easily and get out of the situation without the assistance of someone else.

Role Play

One of the biggest concerns many new dominants have is unintentionally hurting their partner. So before you get into actual spanking, you may want to experiment with this new role first. It’s important that the new dominant feel comfortable in the role and that the submissive feels secure, both partners feeling comfortable with this change of power. One way to do this without the fear of injury is to use whips in a way that won’t be painful, by that I mean, using the whip but not giving your partner a full whack. Don’t put all your power behind it.

I’ve used paddles and riding crops on my lover by just tapping his skin. It still put me in charge of delivering these sensations but not to the extreme that they could be. Most of the whips available today won’t hurt unless you put some power behind your strike. Also make sure there isn’t any metal pieces or hard materials in the strands that will be making contact with your partner. If it does, it will be well noted. Personally, I like the the Whipping Willow Whip (IntimateSource.com) and the  Rubber Duster Whip (SexToyFun) which is made of thin rubber strings about the size of angel hair pasta. The strands remind me of one of those koosh balls.

A Little Spanking

When engaging in spanking or whipping, you don’t always have to restrain your partner. However, the benefit is that it keeps them in one position and in one place, so that you don’t accidentally strike them in a place that could really injure them. Many times just a simple bending over the bed or table or couch will work out fine. For beginners, it’s really recommended that you stick to spanking and whipping the buttocks only. That’s the fleshiest part of the anatomy and the safest to spank.

If you want to go further than that and strike other parts of the body, I strongly recommend you check out some of the resources at the end of this article. They will provide you with much further, detailed instructions on how to do it properly. There are also different BDSM organizations that hold workshops and events to help those that are interested in bedroom bondage, learn how to do it safely. It’s also a great way to meet others with the same interest.

Getting back to striking, I would say that starting with hand spanking is the best for beginners. That way, as the spanker, you feel what it is you’re doing to your lover. If you use a whip or a paddle right away, you don’t really know what you’re doing. There’s an element of being disconnected that’s not entirely safe for beginners. Once you and your lover become comfortable with hand spanking you may want to move on to a whip or a paddle. For information on the types of whips available and how to use them, please see my Flogging Tips article. I also highly recommend Nina Hartley’s Guide to Spanking DVD or Watch Online.($1.98 rental)

So are you ready to try a little bedroom bondage? The mind is the biggest erogenous zone and that’s what BDSM is based on, a great “mind fuck.” It can be a wonderfully erotic experience for your mind and body.

Here are some simple guidelines to follow when getting involved in light bondage. As long as you remember the following three words, you and your partner should have an excellent experience that connects the both of you on an erotically new level.

SAFE

Always participate in safe sex! Communicate with your partner. Make sure you know what your partner likes and dislikes. The whole point of BDSM is for everyone to have fun, so make sure you’re engaging in activities that you and your partner find enjoyable. Don’t just jump into an unfamiliar activity. Caning, whipping, candle wax dripping, etc. Some of the more severe acts require you to have an extensive amount of knowledge or you can severely injure your partner. There are many resources to educate you on this topic. (See my recommendations at the end of this article.)

Always be aware of your partner’s mental and physical state during a particular activity. If someone has surrendered themselves to you, you must stay in touch with them. Bedroom bondage should build a person up, not break them down. So if your partner appears to be uncomfortable or unresponsive to something,
it is up to you to realize this and stop all activity. Then either comfort your partner or inquire with him/her as to what’s wrong and ultimately decide whether all play should be stopped.

Most people involved in BDSM have a safety word or words. This is usually a word or phrase that is discussed and agreed to by both partners. It should be a something that if said, in any tone, during play would be absurd to hear and is absolutely easy to recognize. And when this word is said, all activity stops, period. Then you should both discuss what the problem or situation is and work it out, regroup and either move on to something else or stop all activity completely.

SANE

This basically means to use common sense. Is the activity you’re about to partake in safe? Do you have enough knowledge on this particular activity to do it safely? Don’t think with your genitals here, use your brain. Are you both in the right state of mind to engage in this type of play? Excessive use of drugs and/or alcohol can impair your mind and cause you both to make very bad decisions. It can also cause the dominant to be less aware of the submissive and possibly miss important cues. Alert, alert, alert is what you want to be! Before engaging in bedroom bondage, you must know some simple rules of safety…please see one of the important resources below.

CONSENSUAL

Everyone involved must want to be involved in a particular activity. That’s one of the biggest misconceptions, I think, of BDSM. Everyone involved has agreed to partake in a particular activity. Both partners want to experience this of their own accord because it’s something each of them genuinely want to do for themselves. You should never get involved in BDSM play just to please your partner, the chances are high that you won’t really enjoy it. You should also never guilt or pressure your partner to do it for the same reason.

Some scenes may seem and/or sound cruel and unusual to outsiders, but it’s something that each person has expressed that they want to do, talked it out with each other and planned out exactly how to go about it. If someone doesn’t want to do something and is forced to do it, well, that’s rape. And rape is no form of BDSM. It’s a violent, crime.

So those are the three simple words to keep in mind before engaging in any act of BDSM or light bondage. Is it safe? Are both partners sane? And have both partners genuinely consented? As long the answer is yes, to all those, than proceed. If not, then find out the answer first. I wish you all a very pleasurable and connecting erotic experience with each other.

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Ann Andriani
My name is Ann Andriani. Since 1999, I've helped millions of folks sort through their questions and curiosities about sex. I hope that you enjoy your stay with me and benefit from my thoughts and sex advice.

1 Comment

  1. David Weaver

    September 1, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    Hi, and Thanks:) My GF, and I are interested in exploring this! Your article is Very Helpful:)!!!

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