How to Have a Threesome – For Couples (Updated)

threesome3-FULL
UPDATE: This article was written over 10 years ago and while I still stand by all the initial guidelines and advice, I’ve also decided to update the information here because our lives, our part in this kind of play and our story has changed. I thought it would also be helpful to those thinking of going on this adventure to see how a couple can evolve. Enjoy!

Having a threesome can be an exhilarating experience It can also be a recipe for disaster. So how then, is a couple supposed to know if it’s right for them? I’ve received lots of questions about threesomes over at Allsexadvice.com and have been inspired to share my thoughts and experiences in this threesome guide for couples to help you and your hunny have an earth shattering sexual experience or avoid the biggest mistake of a lifetime. I do want to stress, before you start reading that because of the questions I’ve received, this article is written with heterosexual couples in a serious relationship in mind. It will help to keep things organized.

There’s a lot of things to consider when embarking on the journey of a threesome. Some people fear such a big step and others think, well it’s just sex with one more person involved so what’s the big deal? To those folks I say, Plenty! It takes a strong couple to get involved in a threesome. According to Nina Hartley,

“It’s a very big step and it’s very hard to go back on it.” There are so many emotions involved that if things are not planned out and discussed ahead of time, one or both of you could be in for a big surprise, and not a good one either. Now, I’m not trying to scare you away and tell you that it’s a bad idea, because I’ve been there and I know it’s a great experience, but you know the old saying, “No pain, no gain.”

That saying rings true for my experience, but the pain has been totally worth it because my boyfriend and I have been able to experience something very special. I’ve always been attracted to women and am willing to play with the right participant, so it gives me a chance to fulfill a fantasy, and is a very hot show for my boyfriend. But the road to threesome heaven, for us at least, has not been without its roadblocks. Now, not everyone’s experience is going to be this involved or this serious. In fact, some couples will fall right into it with no problem. However, we’ve been through it all and would love to share our experiences to help others. So here we go.

Stability

One important requirement in having a successful threesome is having a stable relationship, meaning all partners involved should be happy with one another, trust one another and respect one another. If deep down you’re not happy in your relationship, a threesome is not going to fix it. If anything, it could end the relationship altogether.

  • If you’re not happy, you need to fix your troubles first.
  • Don’t ever get involved in a threesome to win back your lover.
  • Do it because it’s something that you really want to do.

Also realize that for some couples, this is a big step and once you take it, there’s no going back, which is why you should do it for yourself. There’s no placing blame and getting upset about your partner going through with it later. What I’m trying to say is make sure EVERYTHING in your relationship is in order. I realize that most differences that couples have can not be completely resolved, but it is important to learn how to live with them. So make sure things are “honestly” happy between you and your partner.

Threesome – Communication

Communication is a must when including another person into your private, sexual play. Of course the communication is important when revealing this fantasy or idea with your lover, but it’s also important in planning and preparing for the big event. Now, I’m not just talking boundaries, we’ll discuss that more later. I’m talking about honest open, emotional communication with your lover. If you have any fears, let him/her know.

For example, the wonderful woman that my boyfriend and I are involved with is a result of MY doing. I told my boyfriend I was attracted to her. I was the one who spoke to her and coordinated our first encounter, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t have my fears. Yes, I was totally excited, I had fooled around with women in the past, but this was going to be my first time going all the way. It was also going to be the first time that my boyfriend was going to have intercourse with another woman since we were each others first.

Deep down, I am secure in my relationship. I know that my boyfriend and I have a love that’s deeper than words can describe and one night with another woman could never even come close to jeopardizing that. But, I was still having feelings of insecurity, thinking such thoughts as…will she pleasure him better than me? Will she do something or offer something that I can’t? Those things were still jumping around in the back of my mind.

Instead of letting these issues grow, I communicated these things and put the fire out. That’s the kind of communication I’m talking about. Being able to honestly, no matter how shameful or embarrassing you think it is, discuss your fears and concerns, because you will have some and it’s important that those fears be put to rest before that night. If not, the explosion could be of monstrous proportions.

UPDATE 1-26-12: I have to give our first lady friend 10 years ago some credit, she taught us the incredible value of communicating with our special lady. Not only is it important to discuss your wants, needs, desires, fears, etc. as a couple, but it’s also important to discuss openly these things with your lady friend. She’s a very special human being just for wanting to get involved in such a complex relationship. She has feelings too and it’s important to keep the lines of communication open with her.

We learned how valuable that was when we got involved with a lady that didn’t really communicate as openly as our first lady friend. It was at that moment that we realized, not everyone is open, but there’s things we need to know and a certain amount of communication that we need to have with our special ladies in order to feel comfortable in this relationship and it’s up to us to make that communication happen. If we’re the ones that need it, then we need to make sure we get it. Everyone is responsible for getting what they want out of this.

Self Respect

Most of us have negative issues about ourselves, be it body issues, income issues, social issues, etc. We all have them and we all have to deal with them, but make sure that those issues don’t affect your self respect, especially if you’re planning on having a threesome with your partner. I put self respect in its own category because you and only you are responsible for how you see yourself in this situation. Yes, it’s important that your partner respects you, but if you don’t respect yourself, I think your view of things that night may be a little skewed.

For example, if you have small breasts and have always been unhappy with them and the woman you include in your sexual play has rather large breasts, are you going to be jealous the whole night? Are there going to be times during the experience when you think your lover is having more fun with her because she has larger breasts? Or what if the other guy that’s included has a larger penis? Will you be concerned that your wife/girlfriend is receiving more pleasure from or is more aroused by this man’s larger penis?

Even though your partner may be enjoying the difference, it may only be the novelty of it, but deep down your partner loves you and/or cares about you. So you see, those body issues will affect your performance and your pleasure of the experience and unfortunately for you, that’s not your partner’s problem. It’s problems you created on your own. So take care of your own issues, so you can be confident in yourself and have fun.

UPDATE 1-26-12: When I wrote this article 10 years ago, I thought I had made peace with all my insecurities. I was so excited about what was ahead for us that I didn’t realize that I actually had some issues still. It all came to fruition when we started going to swingy parties and events. I couldn’t help but to compare myself to other ladies and with my small breasts, felt so inferior and less attractive. I put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself because of that.

I’m not like that anymore and I’m not too sure how I got over it. I think I got tired to pressuring myself, I got tired of the negative self-talk. I also think I started to realize that a lot of people, different kinds of people found me attractive and liked me for me and the parts I had. I had lots of lady digging me and that made me feel so incredibly good. That definitely helped me get out of the rut. I know we’re responsible for our own happiness, I think I used all the other ladies’ lusty thoughts as a starting point to turning things around.

These days, I’m happy with myself, with what I’ve got and what I’m doing. I’m surrounded by some incredibly special, fun and sexy people. So those days are gone and since they are, sex with our ladies are even more fun because I’m confident in myself.

Define Your Relationship

Putting things into perspective and looking at what the relationship is, honestly, can be very helpful. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I only referred to this third person as being involved in “sexual play” not “lovemaking.” I believe they are two totally different experiences.

For example, when my boyfriend and I “make love” it is a loving act between the two of us and during the process we express those emotions to each other. When we’re with our lady friend, yes, we’re connecting in this intimate way, but it’s not romantic/emotional love, it’s sex, adult playtime. Yes, we care about her and she cares about us, but he doesn’t “love her” and don’t “love her” the way we love each other.

In my experience, I think it’s been best to keep the two separate and if you’re secure enough in your relationship and you’ve planned well ahead of time, than you should have no trouble making the distinction. Unless you’re thinking of polyamory and that’s a whole different topic.

This might also be a good time to mention that you may want to define your relationship with this other person. Is this person also a good friend of yours? Is he/she just a casual friend that you see for this type of play? Is this someone you want to hang out with out of the bedroom too? How close do you want to get with this person? Can they stop by on a whim or do you need some advance notification to prepare yourself?

Take our girlfriend, for example. In driving time, she lives about 5 hours away, so we don’t see her often at all. We usually get together a few times a year and that’s when we play. We’ve defined our relationship as being close friends that have sex. We talk on the phone and online when we can to keep in touch, but when we meet, it’s time to play.

UPDATE 1-26-12: Since the writing of this article over 10 years ago, we currently have two very special lady friends. We have evolved a lot in the past 10 years. In the beginning, when I wrote this article, I needed and wanted distance from the other woman. I think I was afraid of a possible polyamorous thing happening or at least that being desired by my boyfriend and I didn’t want that. I have no problem with polyamorous relationships and didn’t back then either, but 10 years ago, something like that in our relationship scared the hell out of me. With all the sexual adventures we’ve been through, with single ladies and couples, we’ve been able to further define what we want and what we’re looking for.

Our current lady friends are both very good friends of ours. They both live close by and we know them very well. We see them as often as we can for sexual and non-sexual gatherings. It’s not just about sex with either of them, it’s a deep connection with these ladies and we just enjoy being with them whether we’re having sex or not. Having hot and fun sexual adventures with them is an awesome bonus that make our lives rock! Sex is always an option because that chemistry is there among the three of us, but it doesn’t always have to happen. Since they’re two ladies that we really care about, I think sex with them is so much more hot and fun because we’re all so comfortable with each other.

We’ve come to a place where it’s not about having a lot of booty calls and sexual adventures with lots of different people; it’s about forming close relationships with very few people… people we just like and enjoy being with and then if the chemistry is there among everyone, having some hot, fun and awesome sex too!

Boundaries in a Threesome

Lastly, but not any less importantly is boundaries. You should define with your partner what your limits are. What kind of sexual play will be you experiencing? Are you going to go all the way or are you just going to go out and fool with around with each other? If another woman’s involved, is your boyfriend or husband going to have intercourse with her or is he just going to watch and pleasure himself? Or…are both women going to orally and manually pleasure him? It may not seem like a big deal but when you’re in the thick of it, it really matters. Let’s look at a few examples. These examples all have to do with adding another woman.

A couple, that we’re friends with, have also had a threesome, but they had very specific boundaries. There was no kissing the other woman, only they, the couple could kiss and he did not have intercourse with this other woman. I think that it was only his girlfriend that fooled around with her. I think both women pleasured him orally, but that was it. They had very strict boundaries and apparently the other woman didn’t seem to mind because she was really interested in playing with the girl.

In my case, there really weren’t any boundaries. My boyfriend could do whatever he wanted with our girlfriend, as long as she was cool with it, and the same applied to me. The only rule or boundary we have is that no one says “I love you” to her, during the act of sexual play. And, the whole threesome experience can not last more than a night and the next morning. The first rule would never happen anyway, but it was still spoken out loud. The second rule was designated by me because I really don’t like to share my sweetie for any longer than that amount of time. My boyfriend and I are used to being only with each other on a day to day basis, so by the time our shower play is finished the next morning, I’ve shared more than enough and am ready to retreat and have him all to myself again.

UPDATE 1-26-12: Since I wrote this article, I’ve evolved as a person in this too, there isn’t such a strict time limit on things. Our lady friends are good friends of ours and they can stay as long as they’d like. Of course, I do have a time limit for all guests because we are used to being in our own little bubble with just the two of us all the time, but it’s not about “sharing” Hubby anymore. I think it’s because I’m more secure in who I am and in my relationship.

Our boundaries have changed too over the years, Hubby always used a condom for intercourse with our lady friend then, but we decided that for our own sound minds and avoiding any and all possible issues of pregnancy, we’ve taken intercourse off the table. So our new rule is that we’ll do just about anything, as long as we’re all into it, except intercourse. Hubby doesn’t have intercourse with other ladies and I don’t have intercourse with other men. We only have intercourse with each other. In a way, I think it has made us better lovers because sex with other people never gets to that “final” point or big event. We’ve had to hone our skills with oral and manual stimulation because that is the main course of being with us, so we’ve tried to become the best we can at it.

You can also go as far as Betty Dodson, the Mother of Masturbation, and her boyfriend and be completely open to having sex with other people. Betty and her man, can actually go out and have sex with other people and the other one doesn’t even have to be there. In fact, Betty gave her boyfriend to her girlfriend for her girlfriend’s birthday. Her girlfriend loved the experience so much that she wanted to see Betty’s boyfriend again. Even though Ms. Dodson did that, she revealed that when her girlfriend wanted to see her boyfriend again, she became angry. And even in their open relationship, Betty’s boyfriend Eric says, about non-monogamy, “Believing in something intellectually doesn’t mean that it’s easy to accept emotionally…” But they still have rules. So you see, no matter how stupid you think a rule or boundary is, speak it, make it known otherwise, like I said earlier, you may hit some serious road bumps right in the middle of the experience.

Now that you have expressed and defined your boundaries with each other, it’s time to find out what that lucky third person had in mind. Don’t be afraid to come right out and ask. Everyone is involved in this to fulfill some kind of fantasy and it’s important to know what this third person, that you’ve both never been intimate with wants to get out of this situation. You also don’t want to overstep any boundaries that this person has. It will leave them feeling used and violated.

So showing him/her that you care about them, also shows them how important they are. It also avoids any unpleasantness that would happen if his/her boundaries were overstepped during the event. This is another human being who has feelings and desires and deserves as much respect from you and your partner as you would want to receive from each other. Even though we’ve been with our girlfriend a bunch of times now and the newness is over, we still inquire before a meeting if there’s any fantasy she wants fulfilled and if there is she lets us know. We also check in with her afterward to find out if everything was okay, and she does the same for us.

UPDATE 1-26-12: Even though we’re good friends with our current lady friends, we still inquire before and after adventures. Hubby and I still discuss different aspect of the sexual encounters with our lady friends. Communication, making sure everyone feels good about their experience together is sooooo important.

Not only do we both want to be happy with each other and our experience with our lady friends as a couple, but we want to make sure that they are happy with their experiences with us. And we still ask questions and inquire about upcoming adventures too. That’s actually the fun part, builds anticipation for the next adventure and also make us more confident that night that we’re doing something our lady friend really wants to do and is excited about doing.

Safety

This has to be right up there with Communication. Since you are bringing a third person into sexual play, you may not know much about them and their past, so it’s always best to play safe. Make sure you have latex gloves, dental dams and condoms handy. And make sure you let this third person know ahead of time that you both only engage in safe sexual play, just so no one gets offended when all the prophylactics come out. If she can’t play safely, then she can’t play at all.

Those are the important initial steps to heading down the road to a successful threesome. I can say that it has been a wonderful experience for my boyfriend and I, but it has also been one that we have also discussed not experiencing any more. It’s that solid, honest communication and the various topics we discussed that has helped us decide each and every time. This is by no means a total and complete guide, but at least it will get you and your partner traveling down that road to deciding whether or not you should make this fantasy a reality.

UPDATE 1-26-12: Before I close this article, I also wanted to add that over the years we’ve learned that we’re not just about the act of sex with our lady friends or even with other couples. We just want to have fun. In fact, we usually make a night out of it. We plan theme parties with all kinds of activities involved that are not sex, but sexy. We’re all about the pomp and circumstance. We love the playful flirty part.

For example, we planned a naked sushi night. I was the naked model that we put sushi on and Hubby and our lady friend ate the sushi off of me and fed me at the same time. The whole thing was a very sexy experience. There was some feeding each other, smooching each other, it was a great way to start the night. We had theme drinks to match. I put together some sexy outfits so I could lap-dance Hubby and our lady friend and do a sexy striptease for them. Even after that, we didn’t jump in the sack, we danced with each other, kissed each other, fondled each other, go some shit started and then laughed and talked and drank and made-out some more. So there’s always lots of sexy things going on.

It’s not just about the act of sex for us. It’s about having fun with people we enjoy being with and care about. We just happen to be very sexual people and that tends to come into play when we’re with these special ladies and since everyone is having fun and is on the same page about it…oh, what fun the future holds!

What’s important for you and your Hunny is to realize that you can really do whatever you want, as long you communicate with each other, with the third person and know what you want and state it clearly and define your boundaries if you have any. There are so many possibilities and once you go down one path, you don’t have to stay on that one. You’ll grow and evolve in this too and may find that you want to make changes and that’s fine, just communicate. If I’ve learned anything in the 10+ years of doing this, there’s no right or wrong, there’s no should or shouldn’t, just do what you, your partner and your playmates/lady friends want to do. As long as you’re all happy, that’s really all that matters.

I hope that this threesome sex guide has shed some light for you and your lover. I hope the story that I’ve told and the lessons we have learned and the way we’ve evolved will have you both on your way to a very pleasurable threesome experience!

For more information:

I also want to mention that one of the reasons our first threesome was such a success was because of “Nina Hartley’s Guide to Swinging.” Her video showed us all these points and helped us to start talking about what concerned us most. It showed how feelings of jealousy and inadequacy could creep in when you least expect it, but once you do talk to each other, work things out and plan ahead, how wonderful an experience a threesome can be.I also highly recommend Nina’s DVD Nina Hartley’s Guide to Threesomes to any couple that fantasizes about having a threesome because watching things unfold on this video, may really help you and your lover sort through things and find out if this fantasy is right for you.

The Threesome Handbook by Vicki Vantoch is absolutely priceless in you and your partner figuring things out and going about it. Hubby and I read it years after we started this adventure and we still found it to be profoundly helpful to us.

See Also:

Ann Andriani
My name is Ann Andriani. Since 1999, I've helped millions of folks sort through their questions and curiosities about sex. I hope that you enjoy your stay with me and benefit from my thoughts and sex advice.

1 Comment

  1. Tom Welbaum

    January 21, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    hook us up we are hot and ready

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