It seems like it happens to all your friends. You constantly hear stories about their hot night of sex and mind blowing orgasms and it makes you wonder, “What’s wrong with me, why can’t I experience this earth shattering event?” I get this question very often over at AllSexAdvice.com, so I decided to write an article on orgasm tips for women that would provide some suggestions and resources to help you overcome this situation because it happens to many women.
Fortunately it’s a problem that most women can overcome. However, when you do finally get to experience the pleasure of your first big ‘O’ or any ‘O’ for that matter, you may find that this annoying dilemma can reoccur at other times in your life. If you take note of the information within, you should be able to avoid it or quickly remedy the situation if and when it happens again.
I think that in order for you to be able to reach orgasm with someone else, it’s important that you learn to do it to yourself and on your own first. Once you know what kinds of touch you like, you can get that information to your lover. There are general techniques to stimulating a woman, but it’s all those tiny subtleties that make a certain type of stimulation perfect for your desires. To get you started on your self-exploration journey, I’d like to direct you to a couple of articles I’ve written. The first one talks about masturbation in general and why it’s good for you and the second gives you tips to get you started. So please check them out…
I’d also like to direct you to a couple of wonderful resources for women in your situation. It’s called “Tickle Your Fancy” by Sadie Allison and it’s wonderful little 95 page book that explains step-by-step, different masturbation techniques for you to try. She explains it all, manual self-stimulation and how to use toys.
The next is Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Female Orgasm which shows you how couple’s work together to help a woman overcome the barriers within themselves that prevent orgasm. It’s very eye-opening and should have you well on your way to understanding better how to reach orgasm.
Okay, now that we’ve highlighted the importance of you learning self pleasure, the next step is more along the lines of learning to relax, but this can be broken up into 2 separate discussions, don’t worry I’ll explain. Relaxing is much easier said than done…BUT…it’s absolutely necessary.
First type of relaxing…When you’re involved in sexual play, if you’re concentrating on having an orgasm and the fact that it’s not happening, chances are it won’t. I’ve always said that this is like a cruel trick our creator is playing on us. It happens with men that have trouble getting and maintaining erections as well.
The more you think about how your body is NOT doing what you want it to do, the farther you get from reaching that goal. It’s a vicious cycle, but by concentrating on it, you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to make it happen. Also, when it really comes down to it, you’re not in the moment of what’s happening. By not really being in the moment, you’re missing the pleasure you’re receiving hence…no orgasm.
So how does one overcome this vicious cycle? Now I know it’s tough, but you’ve got to stop making orgasm a goal. Just have sex to enjoy the experience. If your lover is concerned that your difficulty reaching orgasm means he/she is doing something wrong or means that you aren’t really attracted to him/her or having fun, etc.
Let your lover know that’s not the case. Show him/her this discussion if you have to. But let your lover know that you just want to play, just have fun. If an orgasm happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, no biggie, maybe next time. Once you really, honestly take the pressure off yourself and your lover takes the pressure off, then you’ll naturally relax more and that my friend, is opening the door to orgasmic success.
Okay, that’s the first part of relaxing…the second part of relaxing is about life stresses in general. For many, many women, sex is as much an emotional/psychological experience as it is a physical one. So if you have a lot of stresses that are weighing you down in your life, you may not be able to just turn the switch off and let them all go during sex. It’s not uncommon, you can learn to put them aside. If that is the case, I highly recommend “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff for Women.”
However, there’s also another subsection here, your relationship. Is your relationship happy and satisfactory OUTSIDE the bedroom? If there’s problems, those problems ALWAYS creep into the bedroom, they really do. If that’s the case than you need to find a solution or make peace with the way things are. Hopefully, if that is the case, you and your lover can talk things out.
One thing you’ll notice here is that I am a huge advocate of open communication because it really is the key to a successful relationship, in and out of the bedroom. Problems get solved and misunderstandings just don’t occur that much because everyone is ‘saying what they mean and meaning what they say.’
Alright, now that we’ve got you going towards relaxing and dealing with stress and any difficulties in your relationship, there’s the art of taking things slowly. When you and your lover have sex, does the activity move itself right into intercourse? If that happens, then things are probably moving too fast for you. You may need, like many women, lots of foreplay. In fact, I’m the same way!
I’m not one of those women who, with the first passionate kiss, immediately gets soak and wet down there and can have intercourse. I don’t think many women are…but it’s not a problem. Just take things slowly. To learn how to talk to your lover about this sensitive topic, take a look at my article on Better Sex – Communication for Couples. Make sure the foreplay is there…the kissing, the touching, the oral and manual pleasuring, which brings me to another issue…
Are you self-conscious when your lover focuses on you? If so, that could also be causing you to NOT lose yourself in what’s happening and feel the pleasure you’re receiving. Realize that your lover is really attracted to you, which is why he/she is focusing on giving you pleasure and not just trying to get you to pleasure them…see what I mean?If this is the case, you’ll need to concentrate more on yourself, on self acceptance because it’s absolutely okay to sit back and receive pleasure.
For now, when you start to feel uncomfortable, give your lover oral or manual pleasure. I know that when my boyfriend and I first started having sex I was very self-conscious, so when I would get uncomfortable with receiving, I just got up and pleasured him. Sseeing him get off kept me excited and eventually we would switch roles again.
Okay, so we’ve covered self-pleasure, relaxing, stress, self acceptance, taking things slowly, now we’ll move on to Clitoral Stimulation. For most women, orgasm is impossible during intercourse without some sort of clitoral stimulation because many intercourse positions do not adequately provide it. So once you’ve learned about what your body likes through masturbation, you’ll be able to incorporate those things into your lovemaking using your hands or a vibrator, but the key is finding out what works.
Many women are afraid to incorporate a vibrator into sex. They are afraid that their lover will somehow feel inadequate or slighted in some way. If that is a major concern to you, there are small vibrators that you can introduce into sexual play that do not get in the way of any of the action.
Vibrators that are discreet and non-threatening. The first ones that come to mind are the Form 2, the Little Secret and the Magic Wand. (Please see my article for further tips to choosing a perfect vibrator)
There are also strap-on vibrators that are very small and position themselves on the clit, like this one. Using this type of vibrator takes the worry out of incorporating it into sex. It stays out of the way for intercourse and oral pleasures, you’re still totally exposed but with the slide of the controls, exquisite vibrations are available to you.
And if you want to add something that the both of you will enjoy, something like the We-Vibe can be effective too. Some women get agitated by the straps, this vibe you stick half of it inside you and the other half lays on your clit. All you both feel is delicious vibrations with no need for hands or straps.
For more information on using a vibrator with your lover, please see my article over at SexToys411, Introducing a Vibrator to Your Lover.
Many women and their male lovers are also under the impression that if they’re not dripping, soaking and gushing wet, they aren’t excited. This couldn’t be more untrue. Each woman is different, therefore we all get excited and aroused in different ways. There are many, many things that can affect a woman’s ability to self-lubricate; medication, birth control, certain illnesses, dehydration, etc. The list goes on and on, in fact too on and on to be covered in this article.
However, the point is that lubrication is important to enjoyable sexual play. If you’re too dry, sex can be uncomfortable and even painful. We have a saying here at AllSexGuide.com, wetter is better! If you find that things are not slipping and sliding to your pleasure, than I suggest keeping a bottle of personal lubricant next to your bed and using it whenever you have the desire. You’ll find that you’re body won’t tense up as much because you’re not uncomfortable, which will lead you to a more enjoyable experience. I recommend water-based Sliquid Organics Natural. It’s safe to use with condoms, sex toys and in the vagina.
Past sexual trauma and/or bad relationship experiences should really, really be dealt with and worked through. Never having gone through such a horrific experience myself, I can only imagine the deep seated pain and torture that one must go through. However, I do understand that if ANY past trauma, sexual or not, is left to fester within one’s mind, heart and soul, a person can not move on and make a more positive life for oneself. You absolutely deserve a life without guilt, without any more pain which is why help from a professional is absolutely recommended.
Many times a past trauma or negative relationship experience will cause a woman to completely tense up during sex, making it yet another bad experience to go through and can even make sex painful because of all the tension that you’re holding in your genitalia. Since I am not a professional sex therapist, I am providing a link to a site that contains contact information of sex therapists. If you are a victim of sexual trauma, you can find the help that will put you on the road to a happier, healthier sex life. American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists
Lastly, if you are a sexually active woman, you should be scheduling regular visits to your gynecologist. This person is here to help you, if you continually experience problems reaching orgasm, don’t be embarrassed, you are not alone; share this concern with your doctor. There are things that he/she can do to help you. There may additional tests and examines that may have to be done to come to some conclusion or solution. This problem could be a symptom of another, more serious problem, so don’t be afraid to share any issues or situations with your gynecologist.
I hope that my orgasm tips for women have been helpful to you. It breaks my heart every time I read a post or question from a woman, or her lover, who is experiencing this very frustrating situation. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it happen for everyone that asks, but it’s just not that easy.
Try not to be overwhelmed by the things I’ve suggested and try to enjoy the journey of learning about you. Once you go through the process, you’ll be more confident during love making and you’ll see you will begin to feel the pleasure that you desire.